Squid on the grill

Am I lucky, or what?

I think that I must be luckier than most people. Just in the past week, I have received e-mails informing me that I have won both the UK and South African lotteries! Whoo-hoo! What makes this even more amazing is that I didn't even play!

By the way, if you happen to be the imbecile sending out these scams, it's a bit of a giveaway when your e-mail address ends with ...@yahoo.co.jp. I think that the national lottery commission of most countries would be able to afford their own e-mail domain. Just a thought.

Anyhoo, I recently received the following e-mail. Take a look:

From: Mrs. Kate Solomon.

Beloved Is your Turn to Shine !! Reply As you Are Chosen By God.

I am Kate Solomon now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. Peter Solomon who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2000. Before my Husband died, we both make a deposite of a total sum $7.6M in a Finance Company in Europe. Recently, my Doctor told me that I few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to a honest Person.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to hear from you.

In His Arms. Mrs. Kate Solomon.

The e-mail went on to ask for more personal details...

Wow! $7.6M for me! No more searching through my desk drawer for change when the vending machines call! Now I can up my kid's allowance!

But wait, could this be a scam? Surely not, the poor woman is obviously genuine. Still, in the interests of due diligence, let's take a look at this offer...

From: Mrs. Kate Solomon.

- Any relation to King Solomon? That would certainly explain the money!

Beloved Is your Turn to Shine !! Reply As you Are Chosen By God.

- What exactly does this mean? Am I supposed to use the money for some sort of body polishing procedure? Can I assume that since I received this offer that I am Chosen By God, or do I wait for devine revelation before replying?

I am Kate Solomon now undergoing medical treatment for cancer.

- Nice introduction. This does raise a concern for me though. Wouldn't Kate need the money for medical bills? Even if she's got great health insurance, the co-pays would probably be quite high.

I am married to Dr. Peter Solomon who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2000.

- OK, this is being a little picky, but wouldn't it be more accurate to say that she was married to Dr. Pete? Also, if working for the South African embassy in malaysia for nine years can net you $7.6M, can anyone tell me how I can work there?

Before my Husband died, we both make a deposite of a total sum $7.6M in a Finance Company in Europe.

- Why? Also, if you put $7.6M on deposit for seven years, wouldn't you expect some sort of return on your investment? Even my ING account gets a little interest. (Let me know if you want your own account, and we'll split the recommendation incentive!)

Recently, my Doctor told me that I few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to a honest Person.

- A few "month" to live? Hope I'm not too late... Also, who told you I was honest? Oh, that's right, this is from God.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

- Accordingly to what? Why is she throwing in some legal speak? Surely if God said I'm an honest person, this assurance is superfluous and possibly insulting! Also, if Kate has secured the services of a lawyer, why is she writing her own letters? C'mon Mr Attorney, what's he paying you for? The woman's dying for goodness sake!

Some further thoughts...

If God picked me for this, why does He need more information? Isn't He omniscient? Surely He already knows all He needs to!
Why should God get the banks and lawyers involved? Couldn't He just make the money appear in my living room?

You know what? I'm going to pass on this offer. I wish Mrs. Kate Solomon ~~and her money~~ the very best, and go back to my spam folder. Apparently, I've inherited millions from an uncle I never knew existed.

Must be my lucky day!

Les Miserables (Seattle version)

As you may know, my inspiring and exhilarating wife and I enjoy going to our local Starbucks ~~all the time~~ on occasion for some well-deserved "us" time, excellent coffee, and a snack. However recently it seems that there are fewer and fewer choices in the pastry department when we arrive (hungry) around eight p.m. Matters came to a head recently when I took this picture of the display case at Starbucks:

Although this was really annoying, it did inspire me to put my frustrations to music. As a fan of the musical "Les Miserables", I thought that the song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables would be fitting.

With apologies to Alain Boublil, Jean-Marc Natel, and Herbert Kretzmer.

Empty Cases at the Starbucks

There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty cases at the Starbucks
Now the pastries are all gone.

All I wanted was a bagel.
With some butter on the side.
My wife felt like a nice cookie,
But the snacks all seemed to hide.

From the table in the corner
We could see them being wrapped up
So I rose with orders ringing
But the barista said:
I'm sorry sir, but you're too late,
These snacks are for tomorrow!
Would you like a candy bar,
Or chips?

Oh my snacks, my snacks forgive me
(The ghosts of pastries that have been wrapped for the next day appear)
That I came to you too late.
Although Starbucks shuts at ten,
You can't get food after eight!

Hungry faces at the counter.
Growling stomachs in the store.
Empty cases at the Starbucks
Where the snacks are sold no more.

(The ghosts fade away)

Oh my snacks, my snacks, forgive me!
But next time I will be sure,
To buy some food from Giant
So my stomach growls no more.

B.T.W., the next time we visited, there were bagels available! Whoo-hoo! I eagerly asked for one (toasted with butter on the side) only to be told that I would have to have it cold, as they had already shut down the oven for the night (at eight p.m.). Apparantly, the oven "has a brick in it" and takes a long time to cool down. Grrr!

If anyone from Starbucks is reading this, ever hear of a TOASTER?

Misplaced advice?

I recently saw the photo below on a business trip to Houston:

Nothing special really, good advice for the "preggos" among us.

However, as those of you who have read my blog before may suspect, that's not the end of the story. Notice that the sign is written to the pregnant woman, "can hurt your baby", "when you are pregnant", etc. Let's move back a little, and see where this sign is located:

Hmmm. Pregnant women and urinals. A combination that does no-one any good.

Sad day

Today has been a sad day. I just finished burying Chaucer, our beloved cat. He died Wednesday night after a really quick illness. We're still not really sure what happened.

Chaucer was a fantastic cat, really one of a kind. He came into our lives when my wife and kids adopted him from a shelter. I wasn't around at the time, and was pretty annoyed when I found out. After all, we had enough pets!

After that, Chaucer worked his way into all of our hearts. He seemed to know that he had to work hardest on me, and would sit on my lap any chance he got, letting out the loudest purrs imaginable. No matter how many times I turned him away, he always persisted until he got his way.

I was concerned that he would be a problem. After all, he had not been de-clawed, so five out of his six ends were pointy! I didn't have to worry; he never hurt anyone, no matter how much our children annoyed him.

We laid him to rest under a tree in our back yard. It's a sunny spot, surrounded by flowers in the summer. As I piled dirt back on the old Amazon box we put him in, I noticed the slogan on the side. It read: "Small package - big smiles!"

Small package - big smiles. Nothing could have summed up Chaucer more perfectly.

Goodbye, Chaucer. We'll miss you.

Nativity Scene Failure

With apologies to the FAIL blog.

Labels: Fail

Vaguely disturbing

The following image is from a package of baby cereal/finger food:

The next image is from the original "Terminator" movie:

Is it just me, or does anyone else see the similarity? Look closer:

The jolly farmer bear (see the patched overalls and cart of grain) and his lovely companion (what a pretty smile) have chosen to picnic ON A SEA OF BEAR HEADS!!! THEY'RE BEARS SITTING ON BEAR HEADS!!! THE FARMER IS EVEN JUGGLING WITH THEM!

At least in the Terminator movie, the caterpillar-tracked vehicle is driving over the skulls of it's enemy. Farmer Bear is surely the Jeffrey Dahmer of bears.

At least the ~~bear heads~~ delicious finger food for babies is organic. That should count for something...

Oh, by the way, thanks again to all you ad-clickers. Because of you wonderful people I'm currently at 3.7% of my ad-revenue goal. More about that later....

Bones and stuff

Cyberschool field trip yesterday! (Yes, online schools do field trips too.) Sounded like a good excuse for a day off work, but then, is there anything that's not a good excuse for a day off work? Anyway, without further ado, here's the evidence...