Romantic tip #217...

Wow, it has certainly been a while since the last thrilling installment of "Squid On The Grill!" My sincerest apologies to my loyal fan.

Well, something happened this weekend that inspired me to once again digitize the obscure ramblings of my feeble mind. First, a little setup...

The following is from Gregory Godek's awesome book "1001 Ways To Be Romantic". I believe that it should be required reading for every man who is in (or wants to be in) a relationship with a member of the fairer sex.

217

Understand the difference between a gift and a present.

A present is something you’re giving the receiver because it’s something you want him or her to have.
A gift is something that you’re sure the receiver wants.

(Don’t bother looking up the words “gift” and “present” in the dictionary. Technically, they’re synonyms. But then, what does Webster’s know about romance?)

When a man gives a woman lingerie – guess what?! – nine times out of ten it’s a present. When he gives her favorite perfume, it’s a gift. This is not to say that one is better than the other. Gifts and presents are just different. Knowing the difference between a gift and a present will help both of you stay “in-tune” with each other and avoid unrealistic expectations and possible hard feelings.

Note: Items can sometimes be both gifts and presents at the same time. It depends on the item in combination with the recipient’s individual personality.

As a child, I probably could have used a little less self-focus when it came time to buy gifts. I actually stretched the definition of presents to actually be "something you're giving the receiver because it's something you want him or her to have so you can borrow it!" My poor mother would often receive tool sets, and my dad once got a copy of a music video I was particularly interested in. I doubt that he ever watched it, but I certainly did.

I need to dust off my copy of Godek's book and read it again. Maybe then I wouldn't be confused (and yes, a little disappointed) when my wonderful and ever-giving bride is less-than-enthused about the present I tell her I'm about to buy her...

Sorry, Sweetie. Would you, by any chance, need a good screwdriver set instead?

You say it's your birthday?

From the Beatles:

They say it's your birthday!

It's my birthday too, yeah!

They say it's your birthday!

We're gonna have a good time!

I'm glad it's your birthday!

Happy birthday to ya!

This song could be sung in our house today! Happy Birthday to Emmy Pie, and my enticing and adorable wife! Yes, October 15th does double duty in our house, as far as birthdays go!


I just wanted to tell you both that I think you're both wonderful, and have enriched my life (and indeed the lives of a few other people) in many more ways than you know. I also wanted to say...

Love you both!!!

Two from Number Two

One.


Recently, my six year old son (alias Number 2 Edward) took it upon himself to write a report on bats. This wasn't a school project, something from his co-op learning group or even homework, he just likes bats and decided to research and write a report on them. My daughter had done something similar a little while ago.

Gentle Reader, I don't know if you have children of your own, but I'm guessing that if you do you think that they are pretty special. Well, I'm here to tell you that my kids ROCK!

Here's Edward's report:

Don't you just love that all the bat pictures are very similar, except the Vampire Bat has big teeth (only visible when its wings are up), and the Fruit Bat is flying over fruit!

Two.

Tonight, I was driving home from doing some errands with Number 2 while the fairer members of the family were shoe shopping. I tried calling my alluring and infinitely-blog-worthy wife to see if she and my daughter were ready for a ride home. Alas, she did not pick up, and all I got was her call-back music. Well, the music she picked happens to be one of my favorite tunes, and I found myself singing along with it:

"You're the most colorful thing that I see.

You're the most beautiful thing that I see."

Well, Number 2 thought that I was leaving a message, and said "Yeah, that's what I think about Mommy too!"

That kid will go far, right Mommy?

Frightfully sorry

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted. Frightfully sorry!

If there's one thing we Brits are good at, it is apologizing. For example, when I was being interviewed for my current job, I found out that I was to replace another British emigre, who had decided to move to marketing.

Anyway, during the interview, my boss-to-be asked me if I apologized a lot. I really wasn't expecting this question, and said that I didn't think so. He went on to explain that the previous department member apologized all the time, and it drove him nuts.

Idlegrass. What brought that to mind was a report from Morning Edition, September 26th 2007, that was forwarded to me.

As you may know, the U.S., France and many other countries have well known national mottos. US currency is emblazoned with "In God We Trust". France embraces "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity." After reports that Britain's Prime Minister was looking into something similar, BBC Web site readers offered suggestions:

• "Mustn't grumble;"
• "With honor, with justice, with chips;"
• "God save the baked bean;"

and my personal favorite:

"We came, we saw, we conquered, then we gave it back. Frightfully sorry."

I hope that you found this to be funny! If not, well, sorry!

Oh, by the way. This guy deserves to be sorry!

No good deed goes unpunished

I'm never going to repeat today's mistake. What could I have been thinking, trying to spread a little pre-summer cheer amongst my co-workers. It certainly seemed innocent enough...

My sexy and inspiring wife received an e-mail offer from Friendly's restaurants. Simply show up today, ask for an iced latte, and don't pay for it!!! No restrictions, nothing to buy, no coupons, nothing! Definitely my kind of deal!

Well, in a misplaced rush of generosity, I forwarded the e-mail offer to my co-workers, pausing to imagine the joy that this would cause. I mean, it was a hot day, and I was offering them the chance of a free iced latte! I hit send, sat back, and waited for the chorus of appreciative thanks to begin.

It didn't.

Instead, I heard the following:

• You should have sent this earlier, I would have rather had this in the morning!
• What does it mean "participating locations only?" What if the Friendly's near me isn't participating?
• Oh great! Now the place will be packed...
• Don't they do other flavors?

etc, etc, etc.

Oh well, I should have known better. Around here, every silver lining has a cloud.

I'll know better next time.

What's the buzz?

Recently, something has been bothering me. Do you recognize this image?

Somehow, this bee, this GIANT bee is supposed to make me want to buy allergy medicine. I guess that the ad campaign has failed. It actually makes me feel like buying cans of Raid, large hammers, atomic weapons, etc. You see, I dislike insects. I really don't like them at all. Funny thing is, that doesn't stop my amazing and ever-lovely wife from assigning all indoor insect execution duties to me. Idlegrass.

Supporting anecdote time: At a fair a few years back, there was a bug guy. This guy was seriously into bugs, even going so far as to have a customized talking Volkswagon with him. As you know by now, I like bugs as much as I like, say, Adolf Hitler. Still, my curious daughter went up to the bug guy to see what he had. My courageous daughter ended up holding a cockroach the size of a small dog. As the bug guy explained how rare and endangered this particular multi-legged horror was, it was all I could do not to knock the demonic thing out of my daughters hand and annihilate it with my generously-sized sneaker. The bug guy was soooo right about it being endangered!

Anyway, where was I?

OK, now I remember.

Not only is this bee HUGE, but it TALKS! WITH A LATINO ACCENT!! WHY? WHY? WHY?

More questions:

• Why is no-one scared of this monster? In one of the ads, a happy couple is watching sports on TV while this thing is flying around the room! Come on, not only is this a flying insect with armament, look closely, IT HAS TEETH!
• What has this creature got to do with allergies?
• Will it help if you are stung by a bee and go into anaphylactic shock?
• Why a latino accent?

BTW, Antonio Banderas is the voice behind the bee. From movies such as The Legend of Zorro and Shrek 2 to the Nasonex bee. Sad, sad.

I myself suffer, to some extent, from allergies. But if that thing ever comes near me, it won't be pretty.

Bee warned.

Squid Of The Month - January

Well, I'm almost out of January, but have I got a squid for you! Take a look at this beauty!



Now, does anyone know where I can find a giant squid sized grill?