Squid on the grill

Am I lucky, or what?

2011-09-10T10:54:00.000-05:00

I think that I must be luckier than most people. Just in the past week, I have received e-mails informing me that I have won both the UK and South African lotteries! Whoo-hoo! What makes this even more amazing is that I didn't even play!

By the way, if you happen to be the imbecile sending out these scams, it's a bit of a giveaway when your e-mail address ends with ...@yahoo.co.jp. I think that the national lottery commission of most countries would be able to afford their own e-mail domain. Just a thought.

Anyhoo, I recently received the following e-mail. Take a look:

From: Mrs. Kate Solomon.

Beloved Is your Turn to Shine !! Reply As you Are Chosen By God.

I am Kate Solomon now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. Peter Solomon who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2000. Before my Husband died, we both make a deposite of a total sum $7.6M in a Finance Company in Europe. Recently, my Doctor told me that I few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to a honest Person.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to hear from you.

In His Arms. Mrs. Kate Solomon.

The e-mail went on to ask for more personal details...

Wow! $7.6M for me! No more searching through my desk drawer for change when the vending machines call! Now I can up my kid's allowance!

But wait, could this be a scam? Surely not, the poor woman is obviously genuine. Still, in the interests of due diligence, let's take a look at this offer...

From: Mrs. Kate Solomon.

- Any relation to King Solomon? That would certainly explain the money!

Beloved Is your Turn to Shine !! Reply As you Are Chosen By God.

- What exactly does this mean? Am I supposed to use the money for some sort of body polishing procedure? Can I assume that since I received this offer that I am Chosen By God, or do I wait for devine revelation before replying?

I am Kate Solomon now undergoing medical treatment for cancer.

- Nice introduction. This does raise a concern for me though. Wouldn't Kate need the money for medical bills? Even if she's got great health insurance, the co-pays would probably be quite high.

I am married to Dr. Peter Solomon who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2000.

- OK, this is being a little picky, but wouldn't it be more accurate to say that she was married to Dr. Pete? Also, if working for the South African embassy in malaysia for nine years can net you $7.6M, can anyone tell me how I can work there?

Before my Husband died, we both make a deposite of a total sum $7.6M in a Finance Company in Europe.

- Why? Also, if you put $7.6M on deposit for seven years, wouldn't you expect some sort of return on your investment? Even my ING account gets a little interest. (Let me know if you want your own account, and we'll split the recommendation incentive!)

Recently, my Doctor told me that I few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to a honest Person.

- A few "month" to live? Hope I'm not too late... Also, who told you I was honest? Oh, that's right, this is from God.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.

- Accordingly to what? Why is she throwing in some legal speak? Surely if God said I'm an honest person, this assurance is superfluous and possibly insulting! Also, if Kate has secured the services of a lawyer, why is she writing her own letters? C'mon Mr Attorney, what's he paying you for? The woman's dying for goodness sake!

Some further thoughts...

If God picked me for this, why does He need more information? Isn't He omniscient? Surely He already knows all He needs to!
Why should God get the banks and lawyers involved? Couldn't He just make the money appear in my living room?

You know what? I'm going to pass on this offer. I wish Mrs. Kate Solomon ~~and her money~~ the very best, and go back to my spam folder. Apparently, I've inherited millions from an uncle I never knew existed.

Must be my lucky day!

Les Miserables (Seattle version)

2011-08-28T17:13:00.002-05:00

As you may know, my inspiring and exhilarating wife and I enjoy going to our local Starbucks ~~all the time~~ on occasion for some well-deserved "us" time, excellent coffee, and a snack. However recently it seems that there are fewer and fewer choices in the pastry department when we arrive (hungry) around eight p.m. Matters came to a head recently when I took this picture of the display case at Starbucks:

Although this was really annoying, it did inspire me to put my frustrations to music. As a fan of the musical "Les Miserables", I thought that the song "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables would be fitting.

With apologies to Alain Boublil, Jean-Marc Natel, and Herbert Kretzmer.

Empty Cases at the Starbucks

There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty cases at the Starbucks
Now the pastries are all gone.

All I wanted was a bagel.
With some butter on the side.
My wife felt like a nice cookie,
But the snacks all seemed to hide.

From the table in the corner
We could see them being wrapped up
So I rose with orders ringing
But the barista said:
I'm sorry sir, but you're too late,
These snacks are for tomorrow!
Would you like a candy bar,
Or chips?

Oh my snacks, my snacks forgive me
(The ghosts of pastries that have been wrapped for the next day appear)
That I came to you too late.
Although Starbucks shuts at ten,
You can't get food after eight!

Hungry faces at the counter.
Growling stomachs in the store.
Empty cases at the Starbucks
Where the snacks are sold no more.

(The ghosts fade away)

Oh my snacks, my snacks, forgive me!
But next time I will be sure,
To buy some food from Giant
So my stomach growls no more.

B.T.W., the next time we visited, there were bagels available! Whoo-hoo! I eagerly asked for one (toasted with butter on the side) only to be told that I would have to have it cold, as they had already shut down the oven for the night (at eight p.m.). Apparantly, the oven "has a brick in it" and takes a long time to cool down. Grrr!

If anyone from Starbucks is reading this, ever hear of a TOASTER?

Misplaced advice?

2011-08-24T09:31:00.002-05:00

I recently saw the photo below on a business trip to Houston:

Nothing special really, good advice for the "preggos" among us.

However, as those of you who have read my blog before may suspect, that's not the end of the story. Notice that the sign is written to the pregnant woman, "can hurt your baby", "when you are pregnant", etc. Let's move back a little, and see where this sign is located:

Hmmm. Pregnant women and urinals. A combination that does no-one any good.

Sad day

2010-01-23T23:43:00.001-05:00

Today has been a sad day. I just finished burying Chaucer, our beloved cat. He died Wednesday night after a really quick illness. We're still not really sure what happened.

Chaucer was a fantastic cat, really one of a kind. He came into our lives when my wife and kids adopted him from a shelter. I wasn't around at the time, and was pretty annoyed when I found out. After all, we had enough pets!

After that, Chaucer worked his way into all of our hearts. He seemed to know that he had to work hardest on me, and would sit on my lap any chance he got, letting out the loudest purrs imaginable. No matter how many times I turned him away, he always persisted until he got his way.

I was concerned that he would be a problem. After all, he had not been de-clawed, so five out of his six ends were pointy! I didn't have to worry; he never hurt anyone, no matter how much our children annoyed him.

We laid him to rest under a tree in our back yard. It's a sunny spot, surrounded by flowers in the summer. As I piled dirt back on the old Amazon box we put him in, I noticed the slogan on the side. It read: "Small package - big smiles!"

Small package - big smiles. Nothing could have summed up Chaucer more perfectly.

Goodbye, Chaucer. We'll miss you.

Nativity Scene Failure

2009-11-28T16:42:00.000-05:00

With apologies to the FAIL blog.

Vaguely disturbing

2009-11-25T20:50:00.001-05:00

The following image is from a package of baby cereal/finger food:

The next image is from the original "Terminator" movie:

Is it just me, or does anyone else see the similarity? Look closer:

The jolly farmer bear (see the patched overalls and cart of grain) and his lovely companion (what a pretty smile) have chosen to picnic ON A SEA OF BEAR HEADS!!! THEY'RE BEARS SITTING ON BEAR HEADS!!! THE FARMER IS EVEN JUGGLING WITH THEM!

At least in the Terminator movie, the caterpillar-tracked vehicle is driving over the skulls of it's enemy. Farmer Bear is surely the Jeffrey Dahmer of bears.

At least the ~~bear heads~~ delicious finger food for babies is organic. That should count for something...

Oh, by the way, thanks again to all you ad-clickers. Because of you wonderful people I'm currently at 3.7% of my ad-revenue goal. More about that later....

Bones and stuff

2009-11-24T21:39:00.005-05:00

Cyberschool field trip yesterday! (Yes, online schools do field trips too.) Sounded like a good excuse for a day off work, but then, is there anything that's not a good excuse for a day off work? Anyway, without further ado, here's the evidence...

Can we please go in...it's cold out here!

Looks like they solved the Loch Ness mystery.

Obviously a Chasmosaurus belli. Any fool knows that...

Aargh! Scary dinosaur head!

Aargh! Ancient Eqyptian Mummy

Aargh! Not-so-ancient American Daughter

Aargh! Snake Aargh! Baby!

Why does the snake handler look so nervous...babies are known for their gentleness!

Scene from the 2009 remake of "Alien".

Don't say you weren't warned!

All in all, a good time had by all. The traffic on the way home: not so good!

Thanks to everyone who clicks on the ads up top. More about that later...

Watch those catalogs...

2009-11-15T14:22:00.000-05:00

Returning home from church today, my 8 year old son and I were discussing important events.

"Wyomissing. Home of the Spartans" he read.
"I thought that Sparta was home of the Spartans" I said wisely.
"Didn't you know they moved?" interjected my inspiring and amazing wife (who incidently holds the title of 'Top Goalscorer' of the Wyomissing U8 Moms Soccer Team - Go Honey!!!)
"Anyway, they wore rubber underwear" said my son.

Silence for a moment. A very brief moment. Followed by laughter, followed by a chorus of "WHAT??????"

"Well, it was something stretchy. It was in the picture."

More silence. More laughter.

Confused, I tried to figure out what he meant. Then it struck me. I managed to get on the mailing list for a mail order company called Museum Replicas. It's very exclusive...you can only qualify to be on the list by being alive...maybe.

Anyway, I let my son look at the latest catalog, because he's really into Romans, and they had some cool gear...like this:

Trouble is, I'd forgotten that they also do a whole line of merchandise from the movie "The 300." Here's their take on a warrior of ancient Sparta:

Hence the "rubber underwear."

Note to self: Be more careful with catalogs. Fortunately I'm not on a certain popular lingerie manufacturer's mailing list...yet.

Please don't let them know I exist!

Failed...

2009-11-11T11:17:00.001-05:00

I recently came across the Fail blog. It's basically a collection of (sometimes VERY funny) pictures and videos of things that, well, failed. Here's an example:

Well, I've decided to have a go at this. Please feel free to send me any photos you think qualify (just click on my profile.)

Here's my first, this was taken at a Target store, that apparently had signage problems. Enjoy!

Not as advertised

2009-11-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

Things don't always go the way I imagine them. I'm sure this never happens to you...

Take the other day for instance. I belong to a Men's Small Group at my church. We've been meeting now for a number of years at 6am Thursday mornings. It's a great time to socialize, have breakfast together and study different male issues in a biblical way.

Right now, we're going through a video series called "Winning at Work and Home". The teacher has some great insights into relationships.

Some are not so great.

"Make your wife feel secure." suggested Robert "Security is one her her biggest needs." He went on to give an example: "I looked my wife right in the eye, and said 'Honey, I hope you like my face, because you'll be seeing a lot of it. I am not going anywhere.'" Apparently, Robert's wife was made to feel really secure by this.

Inspiring stuff! Determined to make my wife feel just as secure as Robert's, I went home that night after work and sat with her.

I looked her in the eyes.

I smiled and said "Honey, do you like this face? You're going to be seeing a lot of it."

I waited for the anticipated look of security to show up in my wife's face.

She looked more like this.

"Have you been fired?" she gasped. "What's wrong?" I had to reassure her that I did still have a job, and that nothing was, in fact, wrong. Far from making her feel secure, my words had scared her out of her wits!

Can't wait to try the next suggestion...

The Story So Far...

2009-10-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Good move.

Thousands of years later, I was born.

About a quarter century later, mankind was stunned as the world's most desireable woman married me.

Spin on a decade or so. My incredible and creative wife convinced me to start a blog. This one.

I didn't WANT a blog.

I didn't NEED a blog (see my tagline?)
I've never LIKED WRITING!

I HAD A BLAST!!!

Fast forward two years. I totally stopped blogging. I'm really not sure why, just did.

One year later, I'm suddenly inspired to start again.

Let's see where it goes. Care to join me?

Romantic tip #217...

2008-11-10T12:02:00.003-05:00

Wow, it has certainly been a while since the last thrilling installment of "Squid On The Grill!" My sincerest apologies to my loyal fan.

Well, something happened this weekend that inspired me to once again digitize the obscure ramblings of my feeble mind. First, a little setup...

The following is from Gregory Godek's awesome book "1001 Ways To Be Romantic". I believe that it should be required reading for every man who is in (or wants to be in) a relationship with a member of the fairer sex.

217

Understand the difference between a gift and a present.

A present is something you’re giving the receiver because it’s something you want him or her to have.
A gift is something that you’re sure the receiver wants.

(Don’t bother looking up the words “gift” and “present” in the dictionary. Technically, they’re synonyms. But then, what does Webster’s know about romance?)

When a man gives a woman lingerie – guess what?! – nine times out of ten it’s a present. When he gives her favorite perfume, it’s a gift. This is not to say that one is better than the other. Gifts and presents are just different. Knowing the difference between a gift and a present will help both of you stay “in-tune” with each other and avoid unrealistic expectations and possible hard feelings.

Note: Items can sometimes be both gifts and presents at the same time. It depends on the item in combination with the recipient’s individual personality.

As a child, I probably could have used a little less self-focus when it came time to buy gifts. I actually stretched the definition of presents to actually be "something you're giving the receiver because it's something you want him or her to have so you can borrow it!" My poor mother would often receive tool sets, and my dad once got a copy of a music video I was particularly interested in. I doubt that he ever watched it, but I certainly did.

I need to dust off my copy of Godek's book and read it again. Maybe then I wouldn't be confused (and yes, a little disappointed) when my wonderful and ever-giving bride is less-than-enthused about the present I tell her I'm about to buy her...

Sorry, Sweetie. Would you, by any chance, need a good screwdriver set instead?

You say it's your birthday?

2007-10-14T20:30:00.000-05:00

From the Beatles:

They say it's your birthday!

It's my birthday too, yeah!

They say it's your birthday!

We're gonna have a good time!

I'm glad it's your birthday!

Happy birthday to ya!

This song could be sung in our house today! Happy Birthday to Emmy Pie, and my enticing and adorable wife! Yes, October 15th does double duty in our house, as far as birthdays go!

I just wanted to tell you both that I think you're both wonderful, and have enriched my life (and indeed the lives of a few other people) in many more ways than you know. I also wanted to say...

Love you both!!!

Two from Number Two

2007-10-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

One.

Recently, my six year old son (alias Number 2 Edward) took it upon himself to write a report on bats. This wasn't a school project, something from his co-op learning group or even homework, he just likes bats and decided to research and write a report on them. My daughter had done something similar a little while ago.

Gentle Reader, I don't know if you have children of your own, but I'm guessing that if you do you think that they are pretty special. Well, I'm here to tell you that my kids ROCK!

Here's Edward's report:

Don't you just love that all the bat pictures are very similar, except the Vampire Bat has big teeth (only visible when its wings are up), and the Fruit Bat is flying over fruit!

Two.

Tonight, I was driving home from doing some errands with Number 2 while the fairer members of the family were shoe shopping. I tried calling my alluring and infinitely-blog-worthy wife to see if she and my daughter were ready for a ride home. Alas, she did not pick up, and all I got was her call-back music. Well, the music she picked happens to be one of my favorite tunes, and I found myself singing along with it:

"You're the most colorful thing that I see.

You're the most beautiful thing that I see."

Well, Number 2 thought that I was leaving a message, and said "Yeah, that's what I think about Mommy too!"

That kid will go far, right Mommy?

Frightfully sorry

2007-09-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted. Frightfully sorry!

If there's one thing we Brits are good at, it is apologizing. For example, when I was being interviewed for my current job, I found out that I was to replace another British emigre, who had decided to move to marketing.

Anyway, during the interview, my boss-to-be asked me if I apologized a lot. I really wasn't expecting this question, and said that I didn't think so. He went on to explain that the previous department member apologized all the time, and it drove him nuts.

Idlegrass. What brought that to mind was a report from Morning Edition, September 26th 2007, that was forwarded to me.

As you may know, the U.S., France and many other countries have well known national mottos. US currency is emblazoned with "In God We Trust". France embraces "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity." After reports that Britain's Prime Minister was looking into something similar, BBC Web site readers offered suggestions:

"Mustn't grumble;"
"With honor, with justice, with chips;"
"God save the baked bean;"

and my personal favorite:

"We came, we saw, we conquered, then we gave it back. Frightfully sorry."

I hope that you found this to be funny! If not, well, sorry!

Oh, by the way. This guy deserves to be sorry!

No good deed goes unpunished

2007-05-30T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm never going to repeat today's mistake. What could I have been thinking, trying to spread a little pre-summer cheer amongst my co-workers. It certainly seemed innocent enough...

My sexy and inspiring wife received an e-mail offer from Friendly's restaurants. Simply show up today, ask for an iced latte, and don't pay for it!!! No restrictions, nothing to buy, no coupons, nothing! Definitely my kind of deal!

Well, in a misplaced rush of generosity, I forwarded the e-mail offer to my co-workers, pausing to imagine the joy that this would cause. I mean, it was a hot day, and I was offering them the chance of a free iced latte! I hit send, sat back, and waited for the chorus of appreciative thanks to begin.

It didn't.

Instead, I heard the following:

You should have sent this earlier, I would have rather had this in the morning!
What does it mean "participating locations only?" What if the Friendly's near me isn't participating?
Oh great! Now the place will be packed...
Don't they do other flavors?

etc, etc, etc.

Oh well, I should have known better. Around here, every silver lining has a cloud.

I'll know better next time.

What's the buzz?

2007-04-10T19:05:00.000-05:00

Recently, something has been bothering me. Do you recognize this image?

Somehow, this bee, this GIANT bee is supposed to make me want to buy allergy medicine. I guess that the ad campaign has failed. It actually makes me feel like buying cans of Raid, large hammers, atomic weapons, etc. You see, I dislike insects. I really don't like them at all. Funny thing is, that doesn't stop my amazing and ever-lovely wife from assigning all indoor insect execution duties to me. Idlegrass.

Supporting anecdote time: At a fair a few years back, there was a bug guy. This guy was seriously into bugs, even going so far as to have a customized talking Volkswagon with him. As you know by now, I like bugs as much as I like, say, Adolf Hitler. Still, my curious daughter went up to the bug guy to see what he had. My courageous daughter ended up holding a cockroach the size of a small dog. As the bug guy explained how rare and endangered this particular multi-legged horror was, it was all I could do not to knock the demonic thing out of my daughters hand and annihilate it with my generously-sized sneaker. The bug guy was soooo right about it being endangered!

Anyway, where was I?

OK, now I remember.

Not only is this bee HUGE, but it TALKS! WITH A LATINO ACCENT!! WHY? WHY? WHY?

Squid Of The Month - January

2007-01-30T20:47:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm almost out of January, but have I got a squid for you! Take a look at this beauty!

Now, does anyone know where I can find a giant squid sized grill?

Of Appliances and Offspring

2006-12-31T15:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm not alone in this. At least I hope I'm not...

For those of you will children of a certain age, you may have come across a time when jokingly talk to them about how much they are worth. I was having such a conversation with my 9 year-old daughter, and I opined that I could probably trade her in for a toaster oven.

I know, I know. I go too far, and often hurt her feelings in my unknowing male way. This time, she got very incensed, and announced that in her opinion, she was worth much more than a toaster oven.

Well, obviously, she was right. In my following attempt to smooth things over, I considered three things that I know very well about my daughter:

She had been studying essay writing in school.
She really wanted to be published somewhere.
She was saving money for Christmas presents.

So, I laid a challenge on her. If she could write me a standard, three point essay on why she was of more worth than a toaster oven, I would pay her a dollar for the (limited) rights, and publish it on my blog. She subsequently produced the work, and gave it to me for publication. One of the terms of publication was that I couldn't edit it at all. So, here it is, just as she wrote it. A transcript follows. Enjoy!

Why a Daughter is Better Than a Toaster Oven

By Emily

This essay is about why a daughter is better than a toaster oven. A daughter is better than a toaster oven because they do chores for you, you get stuff from them, and they make meals.

Daughters can do chores for you. They can; make beds, set the table, poop scoop, and many other things. Daughters are very useful.

You get an extra present if you have a daughter, like PS2 games, or other things. As I have said before, daughters are very useful.

If you train them daughters will make meals. They can make dinner when you can sit down and watch TV. Daughters are very useful.

I think daughters should be replacing toaster ovens. And I hope you do too.

Squid Of The Month Club

2006-12-22T19:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Blog Reader,

You have been enrolled (at no cost to you) to the all-new Squid Of The Month Club. Each month, the writers and management at Squid On The Grill will bring you a new and exciting squid, directly to your computer screen! So, with no further ado, here is your very first squid...

Arrow Squid

Size: Grows to 76cm (1.5kg)

Appearance: Arrow squid are distinguished by parallel wing flaps at one end shaped like an arrow. White or rusty brown coloring.

Habitat: Found in Southern Australian waters from N.S.W. around to Western Australia.

Other information: Arrow squid are a good deal more aggressive than either southern calamari or cuttlefish and a good deal more mobile as well. Although considered nocturnal, they are also active during the day.

How do you spell "plbbbbbbbbt"?

2006-11-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself. Sometimes I deserve it.

Here's the story. The other night, someone at work really annoyed me. I'm not going to name names, let's just call him "Old Yeller". This describes both his age and personality.

Anyway, Old Yeller annoyed me, and I was completely in the right. This really put a crimp on an otherwise OK day.

But wait, this was pizza day! On Tuesdays, the local pizza store does a pretty good special, so I usually pick up a pizza to give my aestheticly-pleasing and kind-to-animals wife a night off from the rigors of daily meal-preparation.

So, after I picked up the pizza, I had to drive back past my place of employment. As I did, I looked up at Old Yeller's office window and said this.

I know, I know, I really am 36 years old.

But sometimes it feels good to act 13.

Busted

2006-11-21T19:11:00.000-05:00

I swear that I didn't mean to do it.

I've not been sleeping well recently. I realize that it's self-inflicted. If the candle had three ends, I'd be burning them all, what with trying to get up early, staying up late watching Season 1 of "Stargate SG-1", and trying to exercise more.

Anyway, my stunningly beautiful and ever-popular wife and I were engaging in some post-dinner chat. She was perched delicately in our reliner, and I was sprawled over our couch. A dangerous position for a tired person to be in.

Ever fall asleep while you're talking with someone? I have. Sometimes I even have very short, intense dreams. Micro-dreams, I call them.

Sometimes I can get away with this indiscretion. Sometimes, a suitable phrase, un bon mot, will pop into my head that I can use and so appear to have been alert the entire time.

Sometimes this doesn't work. Like tonight. I actually interrupted what my cute and creative wife was saying, to offer the following inspired comment:

"Your bra is on backwards."

Like I say, busted.

Sorry, Kevin...

2006-11-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

Ah, nostalgia! It's not like it used to be...

I was recently reminiscing about my childhood, and remembered a defining event. Scout Winter Camp.

I can't exactly remember the year, but it had to have been in the mid-eighties, when I was a young teen. The Boy Scout pack that I belonged to made the incredibly unwise decision of holding a winter camp instead of a summer camp that year. Now, summer camp has many advantages over winter camp, not limited to the following:

It's warmer.
There's not much chance of having two feet of snow on the ground.
It's warmer.

(OK, I realize that I repeated #1, but it's such a big advantage, that it deserved to be in twice.)

Anyway, we went on winter camp. It was cold. It was very cold. To get ready for bed, we would take off our boots. That's how cold it was.

Anyway, none of us boys really enjoyed the camp. Then there was Kevin. Kevin was a smallish, sensitive boy. He was quite popular at school and in the Scout troop, but was not up to the rigors of Winter Camp. He spent the entire three days sitting next to the fire, crying.

He didn't take part in any of the "fun" activities.

He hardly even ate.

Just sat there and cried.

Well, as you no doubt know, teenage boys are not the most compassionate of creatures. To my shame, we basically ridiculed Kevin. We teased, taunted, and made his life just a little bit more closer to hell than it already was that weekend. I truly regret my part in it, but I was just a kid.

Well, recently, I got to thinking about Kevin. I have no idea what happened to him. It occurred to me that he could be anything by now...

The CEO of some huge company, ready to buy out my employer and fire me...
The next person I try to negotiate a mortgage with...
My new boss...
A Mafia hitman...

Anyway, Kevin, if you're reading this, please know that I wish the camp had never happened the way it did, and I'm sorry for my part in your misery.

Just don't hurt me, OK?

Find somewhere else to put it!!!

2006-10-19T21:27:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in quite a while. I'm not going to give you an excuse for this.

I'm going to give you several. All you have to do, is pick the one you find most convincing. (Don't you wish you could have done this when you forgot to do your high school homework?)

I've been very busy
My life is too boring to blog about
I lack inspiration
The dog ate my blog
I've been too worried about (North Korea/Nancy Pelosi/The new Rocky movie (Stallone's HOW old???) to write

Picked one you like/are convinced by? Good. Let's move on.

If you know me in person, you may have noticed that I could stand to lose the odd pound or two. Whenever I go to the beach, I alert the local tree-huggers so that they don't try to push me back into the water.

So, I'm actually making progress. I've joined a free diet/exercise website called SparkPeople, and it is really helping. It's great for a geek like me, because I can track what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising, and it tells me if I've been good or bad.

Here's what ISN'T helping. Many people have gotten the wrong idea about the office furniture outside my cube. Here's a hint:

RIGHT WRONG

Everybody clear on this? FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO PUT THE FOOD!

And to a certain sales rep (who shall remain nameless) IF WE'RE OUT FOR DINNER TOGETHER IN A COUNTRY WHERE I DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE, DON'T TELL ME THAT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND THEN ORDER ME THE LARGEST DISH ON THE MENU!!!!

Sorry to shout. But I needed to get that off my chest.

And my belly, thighs, etc, etc, etc...

It's all just swings and roundabouts

2006-09-27T17:05:00.000-05:00

Well, this week Squid on the grill comes to you from sunny Sugarland, Texas. This is a town just outside of Houston. I'm down here for business. A petrochemical plant in Qatar is buying a paging/alarm system from my company's Italian subsidiary. This is being organized by a U.S. company, which is working with a British company. Confused? Me too.

Anyway, one of the British guys comes from Cirencester, a town very close to where I grew up. It has been good to spend some time with someone from "the old country", and I quickly bounced back into the way I used to speak.

Trouble is, one of my colleagues is having a hard time with some of the more colorful expressions being used. He keeps looking at me with a "huh" expression, and I have to translate. See if you can do any better. Below are three of the expressions causing difficulties, with the translation in new "Inviso-text" (thanks, TV Guy). Simply click and drag your mouse pointer past the "Translation:" for the answer.

Here goes:

It's all just swings and roundabouts

Translation: Swings and roundabouts is a shortened version of the fairground proverb 'What you lose on the swings you win on the roundabouts', current from the beginning of the twentieth century in various forms. It is used to mean that things will balance out in the end.

Move the speakers up a noggin

Translation: A noggin is a person's head, so to move something "a noggin" is to move it a small distance, i.e. a head's length.

We'll need to do a little jiggery-pokery

Translation: Jiggery-pokery is defined as underhanded manipulation or dealings.

Well, there you have it. Other terms such as "queue" (for "line") came up while we were waiting to get into a restaurant. I suggested that "If we do a little jiggery-pokery, we might be able to shorten the queue a noggin. After all, it's all just swings and roundabouts."

Legends

2006-09-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

Every society has legends. Powerful stories, passed on from generation to generation, to awe, inspire and instill virtue and character in the youth of the time.

For example, ancient Greeks told of Odysseus, the mighty and cunning warrior who devised the plan for the Trojan horse, and suffered at the hands of various gods as he struggled to get back home to his beloved wife.

The Romans would recount the story of Romulus and Remus, twin boys fathered by the god Mars, who avoided an early death at the hand of their jealous grandfather, and went on to found both the city and empire of Rome.

Even in Britain, my home country, people still tell of King Arthur, the chivalrous leader of England, , vanquishing foes with the help of a magical sword and his knights of the round table.

So, what legend do we have in the good ol' 21st century U.S. of A?

I'll tell you.

Bengay.

That's right, Bengay. Other civilizations had Ben-Hur, we get Bengay.

Let me explain... I was watching TV the other night when an ad came on.

Some people I know tend to mute the sound during ads. I do not like this practise. Maybe I'm not strong enough to turn away, but muting ads doesn't make me stop watching them, it just makes me try to lip-read. I can't lip-read, so this becomes very frustrating. So, stop muting the ads already, OK? If you want to avoid them, just turn the TV off for a couple of minutes.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, an ad for some adhesive bandage first aid thing came on. You know the sort of thing, someone breaks a leg or loses an eye, and everything is made better by an adhesive bandage (with or without current character logos). Then, as everyone smiles (including the person with the formerly broken leg or missing eye), a retired auctioneer on speed reads the 4,378 word disclaimer.

Anyway, during this ad, the announcer was quick to state that this was the only bandage infused with the LEDGENDARY BENGAY!!!

I don't know about you, but I have never (and probably will never) gather the kids around to hear of the awe-inspiring LEGEND OF BENGAY.

But if I do, and one of the children trips and falls on me, causing me to pull a muscle, I'll know exactly which adhesive-bandage-type-product to use.

Oh, the Windows have lovely Vistas...

2006-09-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

You may have heard by now that the new Microsoft Windows Vista is about to hit the stores. As with all new releases of Windows, Vista will, of course, install easily and perform flawlessly.

For those of us who actually use computers while awake, in addition to the new Vista Support Center, Microsoft have pledged to continue to support all previous versions of Windows.

Right.

In shocking news, a copy of the new Microsoft Support Center Upgrade Plan has been discovered. Here's what will supposedly happen when a Windows user calls Microsoft for help...

Call answered on second ring (by computer, of course)

Credit card information obtained through touch-tone keypad input.

Music and Vista ads, while credit card information verified.

Caller invited to press keypad button #1 to #0, to indicate version of Windows, with the following results:

#1 - Windows Vista: Forward call to Bangalore, as normal

#2 - Windows XP: Laugh heartily

#3 - Windows 2000: Laugh even more heartily, and joke about "Y2K"

#4 - Windows ME: Pretend that version never existed

#5 - Windows 98: Act as if the caller had just said their mother had died

#6 - Windows NT: Initiate remote "Blue Screen of Death" and hang up

#7 - Windows 95: Direct user to telegram-based support line

#8 - Windows 3.1: Direct user to smoke-signal-based support line

#9 - OS X: Trace call and forward information to Microsoft "black ops" agents

#0 - Linux: Scream and hang up

Another Sign of the times

2006-08-26T15:59:00.000-05:00

Dave Barry's Blog calls these "Signs of the Apocalypse". He may be right.

Here's another thing that bugs me. Maybe I'm picky, maybe not. You be the judge.

So, I'm in Barnes and Noble, the awesome (i.e. better than Borders) bookstore. I'm trying to navigate my way to the books of higher intelligence and learning, when I come across a lady looking for a book. She is standing as far back from the bookshelf she's looking at as possible, actually almost leaning against the opposite shelf.

So, if I want to get past, I have to walk right in front of her. I absolutely hate doing this, as I was brought up to see this as rude. But, apart from trying to find another route through the store, she has left me no choice. So, I begin to walk in front.

I'm sure that you can figure out what happened next. A split second before I was directly in front of her, she saw the book she needed, and literally pounced on it. Fortunately, I was keeping alert, and narrowly managed to avoid a collision.

I'm trying to be more tolerant, I really am. Trouble is, just as you can't design something to be "idiot-proof" (they are always coming out with new and improved idiots), just when I think I'm getting to be more tolerant, someone always comes along to prove me wrong.

Guess God's not finished with me yet.

WIGTI

2006-08-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I've come up with another new word. Actually, this one is more of an acronym, kid of like ASAP.

The word/acronym is WIGTI.

Here's the story.

I sent out a proposal yesterday to one of our Manufacturer's Representatives (M.R.). This M.R. will remain nameless, as will his Associates.

Anyway, today, Friday afternoon, I get an e-mail from the M.R. telling me about the things he forgot to ask for. Of course, he needs them right away, and copies the customer.

Hence, WIGTI is born. When I Get To It. I've shared this new word with my cubemunity. I think that it might catch on.

So, Mystery M.R., if you're reading this, you'll get the additional stuff WIGTI.

Sign of the times

2006-08-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

I am becoming increasingly disappointed with society at large. Let me give you a recent example.

I was driving to work, carefully obeying all traffic laws and speed limits, when I noticed that the woman driving the car in front of me was talking on her cellphone.

Sometimes this behavior bothers me, but usually only if the driver is obviously distracted from driving, which is as far as I'm concerned, the primary activity of a driver.

Anyway, idlegrass. Back to the story.

The woman pulled up to a red light, and turned on her right turn signal. So far, everything is fine. She appears to be a good driver. Now, in our state, we are allowed to make right turns on red, if the road is clear.

I looked to the left.
The road was clear.
The woman didn't move.
She continued to talk.
OK, maybe she's a cautious driver. That's OK.

I looked to the left again.
The road was still clear.
A party of octogenarians, complete with walking frames had judged that this was a safe time to cross, and were making their slow way across the road.
The woman still didn't move.
She continued to talk.
OK, this is beyond cautious. This is becoming not OK.

I looked to the left for a third time.
Sloths were making their way across the road, delighted at their good fortune in finding such a quiet place to cross. A turtle with a broken leg had just reached the other side. Children were marking up a hopscotch game in the middle of the road. This was a clear road. They don't get any clearer.
The woman still didn't attempt the turn.
Her conversation showed no signs of slowing up.
Oh, I get it! She's obviously too stupid to know the law about turning right on red!
I decided to give her a gentle reminder with my horn.

Up until this point, nothing I had observed was out of the ordinary. A driver had simply been distracted by her cellphone conversation. Nothing strange there. It was her next action that completely gobsmacked me.

She turned around in her seat, looked my in the eye, lifted up her cellphone and pointed to it, as if to say "I'm on the phone!" Apparently, this should have satisfied me. In actual fact, I was shocked at this course of action, that my first reaction was one of contrition, as though I was being rude to think that she should be driving first, and chatting second.

Well, the next thing I knew, the light turned green, and the woman drove away. I continued driving to work, and the incident was over.

By the way, if you happen to know the woman in my story, please ask her to give me a call. I'd love to chat.

Just ask her to pull over first.

Bigtrak

2006-08-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

While researching pictures for a previous post, I came across this. In a fit of nostalgia, I e-mailed the picture to my charming and creative wife, who suggested I should blog about it. She's right, of course!

This was Bigtrak, my absolute favorite toy, favorite that is, until it met with a premature demise. More about that later.

BigTrak was my first robot and my first computer, all in one loveable 6-wheeled, laser-cannon-equipped, white plastic body.

It was so cool! You used a keypad on its back to program it to drive around, fire laser blasts at family pets, and knock things over. It used a programming language similar to LOGO. I truly believe that it gave rise to my love of all things geekish.

Now sit right back, and I'll tell you a tale, the tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port... oops, wrong story. Where was I? Oh yes...

Bigtrak's life was tragically cut short, due to the excessive enthusiasm of its operator. I came up with the ultimate challenge: could Bigtrak navigate around my neighbourhood? To make this even harder, could Bigtrak do it... unattended?

The short answer is... no. After painstakingly programming the beast, and waving goodbye as it left my gate, I waited in vain for its return. After waiting forever, or at least five minutes (after all, I was a kid) I went to look for my lost toy.

Bigtrak had apparently left the sidewalk (or pavement, after all I am British), and neglected to look both ways before crossing the street. I had programmed Bigtrak to drive right into Silicon Heaven.

I was sad, devastated, heartbroken, remorseful, and crushed.

But not as crushed as Bigtrak.

New word!

2006-08-18T11:03:00.000-05:00

I've hit on a new word. I've checked the dictionary, but it doesn't exist. So remember, you heard it here first.

The word is:

cubemunity \'kyüb-'myü-net-ē\ n, pl -ties 1 : a unified body of individuals working in the same group of cubicles or "cubes" within a workplace

So, there you have it, folks! The birth of a new word. Remember to use it every day, and think of me, trapped in my own cube while you do.

Sexism Part 1

2006-08-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

Architecture

When you think of sexism, does architecture immediately spring to mind?

No?

Read on...

As part of my job, I sometimes get to layout paging speakers on building plans. Know what I've discovered? The men's and women's bathrooms are nearly always the same size.

"So?" I hear you say, "How is that sexist? Surely, that's the very epitome of equality?"

"Aha!" is my answer to you. Due to the relative sizes of urinals versus bathroom stalls, you can get more fixtures per square foot in a men's bathroom than you can in a women's bathroom of the same size. Also, on average, men take less time in the bathroom than women do.

Still not convinced? Think about this: How many times have you seen a line outside the men's bathroom?

Sexism in architecture. It's out there, and it does no-one any good. So, all you architects, please consider this, and put in enough bathrooms for the girls!

Explanations

2006-08-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

Not much to say today. So let's go to some questions...

Question: Squid on the grill? Where did you come up with such a wonderful and creative name?

Answer: I'm so glad you asked. Here's the story. In our house, my beautiful and wonderful wife would be making dinner, and one or both of the kids would ask her what she's making. Well, every now and again, when they found out what we were having, one or both of the kids would have a less-than-ecstatic-reaction, annoying my talented and engaging wife. So, to avoid this, the menu-du-jour became a closely guarded secret, with the same clearance level as the location of the hide-a-key fake rock at NORAD.

Well, as you can imagine, our kids respected this decision, and never asked again. Ha! Anyone who believed that last statement are obviously not parents. If you're thinking of becoming a parent, go read some Dobson first.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah... The kids still asked. So when they asked, the answer "Squid on the grill" came into my head. And stuck. Just ask my kids.

Question: Is your sense of humor really dry, or are you just mean?

Answer: I'm just mean. Who wants to know? No, just kidding!!! My creative and graceful wife was worried that people who didn't know me well would get the wrong idea about me. She suggested that I put a "smiley" after any humor I might accidently insert into my otherwise serious posts. That's a good idea, and who knows, I might remember to do it sometimes. But, if I forget, please assume I'm being funny (or trying to).

Well, that's all for today. Keep those questions coming in, and if advertisements ever appear on this blog, click on them several thousand times. Thanks!

:)

Tonight...

2006-08-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well, the VBS is just about over. All that's left is the wrap-up session/party. Mmm, hot dogs! As Captain Cooky's partner, First Mate Brad Krumbs would say: "FOOOOOOOOD!"

Blog Snob? No. Newbie? Maybe...

2006-08-11T12:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't know blogging could be so hazardous.

Last night, I was called two names, that I cannot remember ever being called before. The worst part of this is, that one of the names came from my wonderful (usually), loving (always), beautiful (forever) wife!

She was IMming (sp?) with one of her friends, and the subject of "Squid on the grill" came up. I'm sure everybody talks about that on a regular basis. I do, as my kids will testify. Anyway, my wonderful (usually), loving (always), beautiful (forever) wife directed her to my blog. The friend tried to leave a comment, but was foiled in her attempt, as I had neglected to set-up the comments section correctly.

So, according to the friend, I am now a "Blog Snob". I heartily object to this.

My wife came to my rescue, labelling me as a "Newbie" instead.

Well, maybe it's my ego talking, but I am usually very good with computers. I just haven't had much time to play around with my blog yet. Not that I even needed or wanted one. VBS has been taking up all my spare time. Oh, by the way, Captain Cooky remembered (most) of his lines quite well!

If I turn off the ego, I guess that I could be called a "Newbie". But "Blog Snob"? I don't think so. If you disagree, go ahead and leave a comment - I fixed the problem.

Countdown to VBS - T minus 1 day

2006-08-05T13:39:00.000-05:00

I'm involved in our church's VBS (Vacation Bible School) this year. OK, technically, I was last year too, but the extent of my duties was to cajole my shy four-year-old son to participate. Anyway, this year, I have the lead role in the nightly skit. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce Captain Chris P. Cookie!

I'm supposed to be learning my lines.
I have a lot of lines.
I don't know my lines.
VBS starts tomorrow.

Did you ever have to do something that you really have to do, but don't want to? If you're like me, you can get very creative in finding new and interesting ways to not do what you should be doing in a "doing it" kind of way.

For example:

Highlighting everything you can because that will make it easier (actually learning the lines would be more productive.)
Playing a computer game (just one game, that will help clear my mind.)
Doing something else you've been putting off (I really must finish putting up that shelf.)
Blogging about it.

Well, that's where I am right now. The aforementioned Captain Cookie's Great-Great-Grandaddy Cookie was shipwrecked in a storm. Let's hope that Captain Cookie doesn't suffer the same fate on stage!

Anyway, I'd better get back to it. I just need to highlight my lines in skit three first. Then maybe just one more game, just to clear my mind. Oh, and I really need to finish wiring my workshop lights. Wait a sec, my blog template needs work.

I'm in big trouble.

I don't need a blog....

2006-08-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

...but my wife thought that I should have one, so here it is!